Updated: Jul 8, 2020
Interestingly, I'm writing my first blog on Independence Day, particularly when I'm reviewing my independence after the impacts of COVID-19 on our world. I've worked in the travel industry my entire adult life and have had a great career. Unfortunately, one of the industries significantly impacted by COVID has been the travel industry. The virus has decimated our industry, and for the first time in my career, I began to worry about my future.
I was furloughed in April of this year after the virus continued to impact all of our daily lives. For the first time in my adult life, I had no schedule to live by, and no work to dominate my days. I was a woman without a purpose and wondered who I was without my job because I work; that's what I do. The fear of losing the security my career has given me became quite overwhelming when I considered that my industry might not recover as it has in the past.
I began to contemplate a possible change to my future. This was both exciting and very frightening as I have a compulsive need to be financially secure. Let me jump back in time a bit to assure you that I'm not a greedy witch, but someone who almost has a tic about being financially and emotionally secure.
I've always been one to take care of myself, even as a young child. In my mid-teens, I made choices that have defined my life until this day. I grew up very early because of my childhood and the choices I made as a teenager. While I don't regret any part of my life, I have looked back and wished for events to unfold in a different timeline. All of my choices helped to shape me into the woman I am today, and I mostly like myself. The thought of being dependent is anathema to me; it's almost a tic.
I have been called a control enthusiast, and one way to control my world was by dedicating myself to my career. Being successful in my work provided both financial and emotional security. As much as I have loved my work, it has never truly fulfilled my creative side. Rather than following my dream of having a career as a writer, I played it safe and stayed in the corporate world for security. Then COVID exploded in our society. The job that had kept me and my family safe and secure began to crumble at the edges. What was I to do?
Did I dare take the risk and look toward a future career as a writer? Could I find the courage to walk down an uncertain path toward the part of myself that I had continually denied? Yes, I could. I could follow my dream and work toward a writing career. It's not as though I don't write every day. I continuously write, at times, even just in my head before I put it on paper.
I've had this dream of telling stories for many years, and those who know me well, know I love to tell a good story. I love hearing the laughter when I share something funny, or the emotion I've inspired in someone who took the time to listen to me babble. I feel like I've had a small impact on their day and perhaps a small part of their lives. So, why didn't I take the risk and try my hand at changing careers before today? I was afraid, and despite the many excuses I could spew, that's the real truth, I was simply scared.
As I wrote earlier, I have a deep-seated fear of being without money or a safe place to live. The anxiety stems from an impoverished childhood and the fear of finding myself without enough food to eat or a safe home. I don't have many fears, aside from staying financially safe and secure. I don't dwell on money very often because I was fortunate enough to have a very successful career that started before I was out of my teens.
I faced my fear and decided I would take the chance and leave the job that had defined my life in many ways. The fear crept back in the next day, and I decided I just couldn't take the risk. That emotional tennis match continued for several weeks. As I sat waffling over my decision, I recalled several conversations I had in the early days of COVID-19 when it began escalating.
Several people asked me how I was planning to work through the pandemic and how it would impact my life. I knew from the early days who I wanted to be during this time and who I want to be when it's behind us. I decided that one thing I could control during this very challenging time is how I behave as a person. How I hope to be remembered when this ugliness is over because this will pass. I don't want to add to the anxiety and fear, but rather be a safe place for those who need a shoulder or a little strength to help them through.
On the other side of 2020, I want to look back and be proud that I was a positive force during an impossibly complicated time. I've decided to take control of what I can control, and that is chasing my dream. I can let 2020 lead me, or I can have it follow me, staying firmly in the past as I look toward the future.
That brings me to all of you good people who are reading this lengthy blog post. I wanted you to understand a bit of who I am and hopefully make you want to read more and read the fictional tales I spin.
I have many thoughts about limitless topics and will blog to share my thoughts and ideas. I refuse to fall into negativity or use my words to demean others. Instead, I hope that I can inspire a bit of kindness and understanding in the world. Oh heavens, don't roll your eyes and close the page, I'm not saccharine sweet, I promise! I have a wicked and bawdy sense of humor and swear way too often to be considered even close to a saint.
We can all harness the negativity inside of us and turn it toward a positive thought. When discussing my aspirations with a dear friend, she mentioned that we had an acquaintance in common who had become a published author. I responded with envy and ugliness simply because this person had achieved what I had never worked to achieve.
I'm not proud of my initial response. I am pleased that I recognized it, stomped on it, and admitted that the old green-eyed monster had climbed onto my back for a moment. I'll use another writer's success to inspire me to reach my goals and recognize how fortunate I am to have an acquaintance that can inspire me.
We can choose how we behave, and we make those choices every single day. I'll take kindness and acceptance and the hard work to succeed and make my dream a reality. All who are reading my words are welcome to take this journey with me, and I hope you tag along.
Lessons I learned this week.
I can trust myself to take a risk and face my fears.
I can crush envy and ugliness under my heel and be a kinder person.
I can be responsible and still follow my dreams.
Sending love and virtual hugs.